Memoirs Of A Geisha-American

Me No Luv You Long Time...

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Ok White Guys, Be Glad You're Not Asian...

Because SIZE DOES MATTER and being TOO BIG CAN BE more of a curse than a blessing. So consider yourselves lucky you don't have to worry about being cursed with this problem!
Long schlong silvers afraid to let it all hang out
December 18, 2001

For all those guys out there who cringe every time they hear the old children's rhyme "Wee Willie Winky," take heart. It seems that life can also be pretty tough for all them Long Dong Silvers, according to Shukan Taishu (12/31). "Everyone says it's much better to be big than small, but thanks to my whopper I've been dumped by women I love and still can't get married. I think it'd be much better to be hung like an acorn instead of being hung like a horse," says a lumber importer we'll call Akira Kobayashi.

At his peak, Kobayashi unsheathes a mighty 22 centimeters (8.75") with a thickness even bigger than "making a ring with your thumb and middle finger."


But instead of boasting about his behemoth, Kobayashi says it's his bane.

"I first learned of its danger when I was 21. I fell for a slightly older woman. But after two unsuccessful attempts at sex because she said I hurt her too much, she called me and ended the relationship. It would have been better if she said I was no good in bed, or something like that, but it was purely a matter of size," the lumberman says of his wood. "I can't do it with any woman I like. I've never been proud of the fact that it's so huge."

Shukan Taishu notes that despite the average Japanese man's old fellar being a humble 12 to 13 centimeters, men like Kobayashi with magnificent members are hardly rare. A 1995 survey of 100 men by Okamoto, Japan's largest condom maker, found that 6 percent boasted the scepter part of their family jewels measured at least 20 centimeters (7.9"). An identical percentage could lay claim to a diameter of at least 5 centimeters (2") -- findings that prompted Okamoto to produce large-sized condoms.

"Regular and large sizes are both the same 18 centimeter length, but there's a bit more room on the sides in the larger model," a company spokesman says. "Rubber in condoms can stretch up to eight times its original size, so that should be good enough for just about any guy."

As Kobayashi has shown though, being well hung doesn't make for a well-balanced sex life for members of either sex.

"I know of a woman who was rushed from a love hotel to a hospital because she was suffering massive abdominal pains and her private parts wouldn't stop bleeding," a gynecologist tells Shukan Taishu. "Her partner's privates were too large and he ruptured her womb. If you're too late, death can result from these cases, so it's nothing to laugh about."

Sex workers agree, saying those with a sizeable schlong often bring tears to their eyes.

"About half a year ago this guy came in and he was just startling. He whipped his pants down and I was shocked," a brothel babe we'll call Mami says. "I mean, it was as wide as my fist and so long it reached up over his belly button. It was as though he had an extra arm between his legs."

Mami notes that despite her most valiant efforts, the client was so gigantic she could only finish him off with some quick handiwork. He brushed off her apologies, saying that the only person he'd ever been able to consummate a relationship with was a 48-year-old Dutch prostitute working from a window in the Netherlands. Mami adds that, despite reputations, lengthy lads can often be short on confidence.

"I've had guys come into the playroom and act really sheepishly. They'll tell me they're a bit big and ask if it's all right," she tells Shukan Taishu. "I suppose they've got a big of a complex about it."

Japanese porn industry's answer to John Holmes, Magnum Hokuto (9"), whose name means Big Dipper, says there're times when he'd rather have had a Junior Burger instead of a Big Mac.

"Sure, in the industry big is better, but it can also be sad. I can't have a private session with an inexperienced woman. Even a woman who's had kids still screams out in pain," Magnum tells Shukan Taishu.
"It can be bad for business, too. I was once supposed to perform with an actress known for playing women with a pure heart. As soon as she saw me, she refused to perform, saying that if she took me in she'd never be able to get another pure-hearted role again."

Magnum adds that problems with his sword extend further than simply finding a scabbard.

"I can't wear anything tight, like jeans or Speedos," he says. "I was walking along a beach one day in tight jeans when I came across this lovely young woman wearing a camisole. I immediately popped to attention, but it sprung up near my navel. All the girls around me shrieked and ran away."

Magnum concludes, saying that aside from being an embarrassment, a well-proportioned pecker can be a potential pain in the ass.

"I went to the pool in my bathers one day and this gay guy sidled up to me," Magnum tells Shukan Taishu. "I just couldn't get rid of him."
Awww, poor big Asian fellas! =P

4 Comments:

At Sunday, July 8, 2007 at 11:18:00 PM PDT, Blogger Jay said...

Your not posting any more stuff! I actually enjoy checking out your blog! keep up the work

 
At Saturday, July 21, 2007 at 12:19:00 PM PDT, Blogger Blondie said...

What a bunch of wah wah cry babies those women are! I prefer smaller myself but I have never run from a challenge either......

 
At Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 1:29:00 AM PDT, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog seems like one giant exercise in Occidentalism. I see many of the same problems you do in American society and Media, but it sounds like you just have it in your head to stereotype and filter through the lens of skin color, no matter what... your profile describes you as a "recovering Caucaholic", which sounds pretty bad if that means what you imply, and now it seems like you've merely flitted to the other nearly-as-bad extreme.

Here's a thought: Try treating people as individuals more often, and reading Kenneth Eng less.

 
At Friday, December 11, 2009 at 8:00:00 AM PST, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bitter and jaded blogger."recovering caucaholic" ?Hey size queen,might wanna get into the real world sometime and stop with the sterotypical company line.

 

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